Sadness. The feeling is like giving birth – all painful and full of slimy goo. That’s how I view relationships – good and bad. The ugly part is stepping out on someone because of lack of expectation. And I see the sadness on his face each time because of that choice he made – to just give up old habits and settle down with new ones, including the nagging.
I’m so sad I could throw up. Commitment is like prison. There is no escape from marriage and mortgage. The children make noise too and sometimes they could use apples in their mouths to make the noise stop. Oh, sure, they are young and cute now. But they will be old and horrible later on and find their own mates, leaving the original units to look, listen and stop for each other 24/7.
The staleness of just being in a different living arrangement leads to the need of finding replacements and newness to keep the “flames alive” that makes me sick, too. It’s never good to stay the same. It’s always good to change forever. But with commitment, it’s just like that – putting on a new mask – together or not. And I get that part – to pick up the stray dogs.
I feel sad all over again. It’s never the same person. But it’s always the same – long distance – an arm-length’s away. Off and on. Never staying. Always straying. Hello. Goodbye.
Comments